Women, Visibility, and the Fear of Being “Too Much” - Newsletter #44

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There’s a moment before every keynote, podcast, or panel where I take a deep breath and think: Don’t shrink. Don’t dim. Just show up.

If you’ve ever been told you’re “too much”—too loud, too opinionated, too emotional, too ambitious—you know that those words are rarely about you. They are about someone else’s comfort level with your light. And yet, many of us learn early to make ourselves smaller so we do not take up “too much space.”

But here’s the truth I keep learning and re-learning: you cannot inspire, lead, or create real change from the shadows.

Where the Shrinking Starts

For many women, this begins young. Maybe it was a teacher who called you “bossy” when you were really being a leader. Or a manager who said you were “intense” when you were just passionate. Or even a well-meaning friend who told you to “tone it down” so others would not feel threatened.

We internalize those moments. We start to equate likeability with safety. We adjust our tone, soften our words, smile a little more. We step back instead of leaning in.

And before we know it, we have become experts at editing ourselves.

The Real Cost of Dimming Your Light

When you dim your light to make others comfortable, you teach the people around you that your ideas, your leadership, and your presence are optional.

I have seen it happen in boardrooms, creative spaces, and tech communities alike. The quietest voice in the room often has the most valuable perspective, but it goes unheard because the environment rewards those who take up space, literally and metaphorically.

The cost of staying small is not just personal. It is collective. When women, and especially women of color, are not visible, the next generation loses sight of what is possible.

Showing Up Anyway

When I first started speaking at large conferences, I used to second-guess everything: Was that joke too much? Did I sound too confident? Should I have worn something less bold?

But over time, I realized that my visibility was not about me. It was about the people who saw themselves reflected in what I said—or in how I said it.

Every time I step on stage or pick up a mic, I think of all the women who are not there yet. The ones who are still being talked over in meetings or second-guessed in their own expertise.

Visibility, when done with purpose, becomes advocacy.

Reframing “Too Much”

Let’s reframe what “too much” really means.

Too much joy? That’s called presence. Too much passion? That’s purpose. Too much ambition? That’s vision. Too much truth? That’s leadership.

We spend so much energy trying to calibrate ourselves down to what feels acceptable, when what the world actually needs is authenticity. The kind that inspires, disrupts, and redefines what leadership looks like.

A Practice, Not a Performance

Stepping into your visibility is not a one-time act of courage. It is a practice. Some days you will want to stand on the stage. Other days you will want to crawl under it. Both are okay.

What matters is choosing, again and again, to bring your full self into the room. To take up space not just for yourself, but for the ones coming next.

That might look like speaking up in a meeting when your gut says “say it.” Or submitting your story for a panel. Or simply saying “thank you” when someone compliments your work instead of brushing it off.

You do not owe the world a smaller version of yourself.

Permission Granted

So here’s your reminder, from me to you: You have permission to shine.

You do not need to earn it. You do not need to wait until you are ready or perfect or validated. The stage, the room, the seat at the table—they are already yours.

And when you step into that light fully, you give others permission to do the same.

After all, the point is not to be too much. It is to be fully you.

That is more than enough.

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