Unlearning People-Pleasing: Why Being Liked Isn’t the Same as Being Respected - Newsletter #38

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The Myth of Being Liked I’ve been in a lot of rooms - boardrooms, backstage dressing rooms, Teams meetings, podcast studios and backyards. And here’s one thing I’ve learned in every single one of them:

Being liked is not the same as being respected.

For a long time, I thought they were. I thought if I was kind, generous, thoughtful, easy to work with, helpful, funny, or agreeable, I’d be seen as capable. Valuable. Worthy.

That’s how so many of us, especially women, are raised. To smooth the edges. Soften the tone. Say yes. Be nice. Be small.

We’re taught early that approval is currency. That our safety, our success, and our acceptance depend on being liked.

Kindness vs. People-Pleasing

But here’s the hard truth I had to learn (and am still learning): People might like you for being accommodating, but they respect you for being honest. And honest doesn’t always look like nice.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a kindness person. But there’s a difference between kindness and people-pleasing.

Kindness has boundaries.

People-pleasing doesn’t.

And people-pleasing is exhausting.

You become a shape-shifter, reading the room like a playbill, performing the version of yourself you think will win the most applause. You say yes when you mean no. You bite your tongue when it’s begging to speak. You leave conversations feeling off, because somewhere in there, you left yourself.

And often, the reward isn’t connection, it’s invisibility.

The Turning Point Earlier in my career, I’ve been the one who didn’t speak up. I’ve been the one who kept it “cool” even when something felt off. I’ve been the one who didn’t want to seem “difficult,” so I stayed quiet, compliant, or overly agreeable.

And I’ve also been the one who said, “This doesn’t work for me.” “Don’t speak to us that way.” “Actually we need to do that step because it is the correct way.”

And guess what? That’s when the real respect showed up.

Not from everyone. Not right away. But from the right people. The ones who see boundaries not as barriers, but as clarity. The ones who respect that you know yourself enough to stand in your truth. The ones who want you, not just the version of you that keeps things easy.

If You’re Still Unlearning So here’s what I want to say to the recovering people-pleasers. To the women who’ve spent years trading truth for harmony. To the ones learning that “being nice” isn’t always the kindest thing you can do:

• You are allowed to take up space.
• You are allowed to say no.
• You are allowed to speak up, even if your voice shakes.
• You are allowed to disappoint others if it means not betraying yourself.

Respect > Approval And here’s the beautiful part: You don’t have to choose between kindness and strength.

You can be warm and clear. Soft and firm. Joyful and boundaried.

This is the work. The unlearning. The unbecoming of everything we were taught to be so we can become more fully ourselves.

You don’t have to do it all at once. But maybe this week, you notice the moment you want to say yes, and you ask yourself, “Do I mean it?” Maybe you let silence hold when you’d normally rush in with reassurance. Maybe you practice being liked less and respected more.

It’s a lifelong dance. But every step toward your own truth is a step toward freedom.

Rock it out.

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